Why They Run for President : A Quizzical Look at the 2012 Arizona Primary Ballot

Today, my wife received her mail-in ballot for the 2012 Arizona primary election. It contained a surprise: This year, there are 23 people running for President! That's the tally in our state, anyway.

Huh. Clearly, nobody with an I.Q. higher than a carrot could truly believe he or she had a shot at the White House without a lot of money to spend and serious media coverage, just for starters. They can't all be idiots. There must be a payoff for these people.

But...what? What would the payoff be?

The right to tell their grandkids, "Hey, didja know yer ol' grandpa (or grandma) ran fer President of these here Yewnited States? Didja, huh? Didja?" Maybe. That sounds pretty silly, but it's all that came to mind at the moment.

I decided to run through the list, Google each and every one (while warning Pam that I might still be up come daylight), and...see what I could see. Maybe something obvious would jump out and slap me upside the head. Like sunup and a semi-serious case of sleep deprivation, perhaps.

1. Donald Benjamin. Looks to be an Arizona based educator (imported from Oregon via Colorado), cartoonist, and all-around smarta**. An excerpt from the 5th plank in his five-plank platform is worth reviewing.

....I originally proposed that Congress go home for two years without pay while a group of sixth graders--chosen based upon deportment and attendance--operated the legislative branch in their place. That still seems like a good idea since the sixth graders would do a much better job....

Frankly, I hope the rest of the candidates aren't as interesting as this guy. If they are, this Hub could end up running as long as a Gingrich defeat speech.

2. Jim Terr. Singer, satirist, comedian, publicity hog. 'Nuff said. I do like his campaign slogan:

Vote for Jim Terr. He can't get anything done.

I'm finding that various candidates belong to something grandly titled White House Project 2012. So far, it looks like the WHP's primary goals are to field a whole bunch of ha-ha types who poke fun at the process. I'm not amused.

3. Simon Bollander. A WHP2012 guy who's not even running under his given name (Peter) but instead has his nickname (Simon) on the ballot. Major qualifications: He's done summer stock in Hawaii and had karate training...and he ran for Prez in 2008, too.

Here we go. According to tucsonweekly.com,

Project White House 2012 allows the average eligible citizen to participate in Arizona's presidential primary. It's democracy in action!

Huh.

4. Al "Dick" Perry. Tucson-based musician. Man, this is already getting boring. We're at...number four?!

(*Mutters to self, wishing he'd never started this dumb investigation.*)

5. Ronald Zack. Wait a minute. Maybe this isn't all bad. It looks like we have a winner in the "open and honest" category. Zack states unequivocally,

"My main purpose in running for President is to enrich myself and some of my friends."

Got it. Now, like it or not, I am amused, at least a little.

6. NEWT GINGRICH. All caps being used for "media recognized" candidates.

Wow. Down to number 6 before we get to a serious candidate. How many voters are going to give up in confusion before they even get that far? Maybe not many...but let's hope it's not a close race in Arizona this year.

Quoth the raven, "How many more?"

7. RON PAUL.

8. Paul Sims. Ah! Not a joke candidate. A Missouri rancher with just two issues listed on his website: Pro Life and Sanctity of Marriage. At his website, I was visitor #5,660.

9. MITT ROMNEY.

10. Mark Callahan. A young one, barely turning 35 prior to Inauguration Day 2013, this father, former Eagle Scout, and Eugene, Oregon, computer hotshot...might make a really good President. Someday. All of the major issues are clearly defined on his campaign website, his stances are consistently conservative, and he's a photogenic dude with an attractive family.

11. Cesar Cisneros. Hey, a fellow truck driver! And owner of Cesar Cisneros Trucking, Inc., no less. A Texas native, now hanging his hat in Arizona. Conservative on the issues.

12. Frank Lynch: A midwesterner of apparently high I.Q. and stellar career accomplishments, Mr. Lynch is absolutely clueless about sales. For example, his website is Turbo TMI (Too Much Information). I got lost there really, really quickly. The opening line on his Bio page was all it took, however.

Born Dec. 31, 1941, Chicago, Illinois. Never married. No children. Still dreams of marriage and children, someday, somehow. Quit all alcohol and tobacco since 1990.

I mean, seriously, Frank. You've reached age 70 without figuring out how to get married even once, yet you think We the People are dumb enough to pick you to run the country? Whoa!

13. Charles Skelley. Another repeat candidate, Charles believes we need to "fix the economy by fixing manufacturing". That makes sense--but not all by itself. Another narrow-focus fellow.

What? Are we there yet? Hey, shut up or I'll turn this Hub around right here.

14. Wayne Charles Arnett. Hm. One of two insurance lawyer brothers (ambulance chasers). Doesn't even have a website that I could find.

Got it! Turns out the reason we're seeing all these rounders on the ballot in Arizona is simply that our state "does it differently" than others. The AZDailySun.com explains it this way:

"...Specifically, contenders do not need to gather a certain number of signatures on petitions to qualify for the ballot. All they need to do is file the necessary papers by the deadline,,,,"

15. Sarah Gonzales. The only woman on the ballot, Sarah is also a left winger--not even a RINO, just a pure dee liberal. Secure the border? Hah! This Tucson resident wants to tear down the border wall! Plus, she's equally clueless in other areas. For example, she wants to:

• Give Native Nations the right to their own judicial systems.

Uh...Mrs. Gonzales? They already have those. They're called Tribal Courts, at least in Montana. I know, because Caucasian social worker me got my butt kicked in the one at Ft. Belknap, circa 1983. I probably looked like a mangy coyote slinking off with its tail between its legs, at least from the Natives' viewpoint that day.

16. RICK SANTORUM.

17. RICK PERRY.

18. Raymond Scott Perkins. This one's a professor of history and philosophy, living in Concord, New Hampshire, and teaching at Plymouth State University. Couldn't locate a position statement on even one issue for Prof. Perkins.

19. Matt Welch. Matt is the Editor in Chief at Reason.com. Finding out more than that about him turned out to be...problematic.

20. Kip Dean. Mr. Dean bills himself as "the least of all evils"...but he's wrong about that. As a hardcore Progressive (my label for him, not his), he wants Gargantuan Government and then some. Sad to say, he's also from Arizona.

21. Christopher Hill. An airline captain living in New Hampshire, Hill has had the good sense to post a message on his website--suspending his campaign for sensible, logistical reasons as of Jan. 26, 2012. His website is replete with scads of photos and a bit of text that make it clear he was serious as a heart attack about his candidacy for the six months it lasted. Unfortunately, besides lacking funds or name recognition, it's also clear from reviewing the site that he didn't know much about website presentation, either.

22. BUDDY ROEMER. I hadn't even realized the former Governor of Louisiana had declared his candidacy for President of the United States. Talk about believing your own press and getting sucked into the vortex! But sure enough, he's out there...somewhere.

Woo hoo! Last candidate on the list, coming right up! (*hyperventilates noisily*)

23. Michael Levinson. Mike looks (to me, at least) like the one true flake in the race. His idea for dominating worldwide commerce is to build a humongous fleet of Yankee Clipper type ships--that's right, old school, wind-powered watercraft--to convey our goods and services around the planet. As for fitting in with the GOP, he first declared as an Independent and even now states firmly,

" I do not subscribe to the fascist proposals of the so-called republican party."

Well. Wow. Yes, I do have some thoughts that leaped from the page to smack me upside the head. Let's take a photo break first, though. Nothing that fits, just a momentary reprieve from this onslaught.

Back in a moment.

After plowing through all 23 of these Presidential candidates, many of whom appear only on the Arizona primary election ballot, I realized I had in fact learned why they run for President. There was a greater variety of reasons than I'd suspected, though. Here they are:

A. Joke or comedy candidates. These folks are in it for the fun of it and/or to make a point using humor--usually sarcastic humor. Publicity for themselves is an additional benefit.

B. Serious gotta-help-the-nation types. We know about them, of course, and one of them will actually occupy the White House once Obama gets kicked out of office so hard he bounces all the way back to Chicago.

C. Humorless I-gotta-make-my-point individuals. They know they won't win, but they also believe it's important to draw attention to their cause(s) if possible.

D. Delusions of grandeur candidates. Anyone in this category is actually naive enough to believe that leaping from absolute obscurity to the Oval Office in a single bound is perfectly doable.

E. Those who start believing their own press. Candidates of this type have usually achieved success in a smaller pond--most often, one of the states--and make the mistake of listening to over-optimistic advisers.

F. The truly insane. Here we see people who are completely disconnected from reality and making no sense whatsoever.

G. Bragging rights for the future. One candidate in this group, Sarah Gonzales, does in fact state, "At least I'll be able to say I once ran for President."

H. Haters who infiltrate the Party to do as much damage as possible.

What do you know; I actually learned something from this exerise.

Remember in November!