What to Say and What to Do When People Ask Why You are Blue

Total strangers often ask, "Why are you so blue?" Sure, that's about as rude as it gets--try walking up to an African American man you've never met, asking him, "Why are you so deep chocolate brown?" See what you get. But yes, they're asking about color, not emotional depression.

The motivation for their questions about my hue--sometimes seen as merely pale, other times considered seriously blue--is honest enough. Enquiring minds really do want to know. On the other hand, I don't usually really want to give them an honest answer. I'll share with our readers, though:

1. It is not an indicator of poor health. My wife and my kid sister (who's a Registered Nurse) ganged up on me in 2001, badgered me until I had a full blood panel done just to shut them up. Yep, normal on every scale. Healthy as a bull in heat. (For y'all non-ranchers, that's a joke: Only cows are in heat when they're ready for breeding. Bulls, just like human dudes, are always ready.)

2. It's possible--though by no means a sure thing--that my intermittent use of colloidal silver as a germ-killer could have something to do with it. That does happen. There's a problem with that diagnosis, however: Some days I look more or less blue than on other days, and it's not just a matter of degree of blueness. Sometimes the blue will show only at the top of my head, sometimes down to include the chin...or at a stopping point anywhere in between. Go figure.

 This Blue Boy Syndrome apparently didn't hit until 2001 or so--that's the first year I remember being asked about it, anyway.  By the time 2002 rolled around, I'd had enough...and began to develop a handy basket full of quick responses whenever anyone asked, "Why are you so blue?"  Here are a few of my most-used treasures:

1.  My Grandaddy was a Smurf!  (Always with the exclamation point!  Punch!)

2.  My Grandmother was a Smurf--and she had really loose morals!

3.  You've heard of the Living Dead?  I'm actually a zombie!

Note:  I had to quit using that one for a while after accidentally terrorizing a twelve-year-old boy.  He was with three other, younger guys, and--as the leader of this mini-gang--he clearly had to be the one to ask:  "Why are you so blue?"  The Smurf line didn't slow him for a second; he asked again.  Then the zombie line...at which he froze.  His tennies were glued to the sidewalk.  His eyes were goggling, his mouth literally hanging open.  100 years from now, his great-grandchildren are going to be passing the word about how their ancestor once met a real zombie in rural Montana.

Oops.

For some years, I avoided using responses based on Blue Man Group--just too obvious. But it never hurts to have a few reserve quips in your quiver for those encounters with persistent pests who aren't put off easily...and for those times you're just plain bored with your signature bits. So....

4. It's genetic. I actually fathered the entire Blue Man Group!

5. Ah-h, we were out in Las Vegas one time, went to see a show. Blue Man Group. Turns out those buggers are contagious!

By this time, all but the hardiest of pursuers will give up. Still, there's always that one diehard, the guy or gal with gall and a couple of paparazzi genes who just won't quit. One final round left in my comeback six-shooter, then:

6. Well, back in the day, I wanted to join the Blue Angels, but they took one look at me and said I was no angel! So I never got the Wings, but I guess some of the Blue stuck!

Of course, the real trouble is that--believe it or not--a lot of folks out there have never even heard of the Blue Angels, so I save that one for last. It also takes a few seconds longer to say, and that's never a good thing.

One curious note: In the early 1980s, twenty years or so before anybody ever "noticed" I'd turned blue (at least at times), I wrote a full length science fiction novel manuscript (as yet unpublished) titled The Strathian Influence. It's set on the planet of Ganesha...and includes races of various colors which include both the blue-green Norlanders and the silver-colored Silvers.

Prophecy?

Ah, but that's another question entirely....