How To Write A Poison Pen Letter

It was during the month of January, 1973, when I first discovered the might of the poison pen. For the sake of my readers, though, it should be explained that my definition of this term is not the usual. Nothing anonymous, nothing malicious...just the sort of written communication that persuades an unethical person, company, or organization to straighten up and fly right.

Not that my first such letter was in opposition to a wrong done to me. It was simply done in the name of survival. Living at the time in Spokane, Washington, and working as a casualty insurance underwriter, I was going through the first of what would ultimately add up to six (countem six) divorces. Between the usual bills and upcoming child support, every penny counted.

Which brought up the question of a corresondence art course my (soon to be ex) wife had started with my encouragement. I had offered to continue the payments if she wished to continue studying, but in that she had no interest. I had a white elephant on my hands, or at least a white rat, and needed to cancel that contract.

Unilaterally. Which, according to lawyers and such, is impossible.

But I did it. I simply wrote the art school, outlined the situation clearly, explained that in no way could I make any further payments. Amazingly, they let me off the hook. Seven years later, I took that same course myself, paying for it in full, but that first Power of the Pen experience marked me for life.

And I realized that sometimes you can fight City Hall.

Over the years, my effective use of letters began to increase. Never indiscriminate--I'm a firm believer that you've got to pick your battles if you expect to win any of them--my win-loss record started looking better and better. Gain a little, fall back a little, but learning all the time.

Then came 1987 and a pending house purchase. My fifth wife and I were attempting to buy a house in Lemon Grove, California (a San Diego suburb). We were deeply concerned that my past might block our financing. After all, I'd gone through a bankruptcy seven years earlier, so.... Amazingly, however, my credit rating sailed through without a hitch.

Equally amazingly, my lady's did not.

Say what?

Investigation uncovered the problem. My sweetheart had been through a nasty, messy divorce a few years before we met. Her attorney (whom we'll call "Linda") had (a) overcharged her, (b) betrayed her trust by passing on important papers to the "other side", and (c) refused to present her case in the way her client (my then-future wife) wished it to be presented. More than $5,000 had been paid to this female Benedict Arnold, but the final $500 had been withheld in pure fury.

Unconcerned, the lying lawyer had simply reported her irritated client to every Credit Bureau this side of Pluto.

Enter the Ghost Pen.

It took hours of coaxing to get the full story. In the end, having figured out where the attorney's weak points were, I crafted a two page letter for my gal to sign. The missive implied strongly that if this slur on a fine upstanding citizen's credit rating was not removed forthwith, a certain Chamber of Commerce, Better Business Bureau, and various media were going to have a real field day with a certain attorney's reputation.

The black mark was removed within hours after Lawyer Linda received that letter in the mail. Not only that, but the not so Lovely Linda called our Realtor, assuring him that the stain was gone...and that she never wanted to even hear my sweetie's name again. Ever. The Realtor called my office, laughing uproariously:

"I don't know what you put in that letter!" He exclaimed, "But I think you should have MY job!"

His happiness was understandable. Having put in many hours assembling the various parts of our somewhat complex purchase, he finally knew for sure that he would be seeing his quite reasonable commission.

In the years since Lemon Grove, friends and family have come to me for assistance whenever the Evil Empire was launching Death Rockets at them. As one cousin put it, "If one of your letters doesn't get their attention, nothing will, anyway."

We've all heard that old maxim about the pen being mightier than the sword. While a victim at the business end of a sword might object to that perspective, there is something to it. And, just in case you might like to sharpen your own pen point for dealing with the Powerful Oppressors in your world(s), here are a few Rules of Engagement that have brought me several wins for every loss:

1. Be as sure as possible that you really are "in the right". If a reasonable person could look at your situation and possibly judge for the other side, never mind. My first letter about the art course was an exception; those folks were just plain nice people.

2. Research, research, research. One of the trickiest set of circumstances in recent years involved an attempt by one of the giant mortgage companies to steal a relative's home by claiming her payments were never sent. Online research uncovered the fact that this same company had settled a class action lawsuit for just that sort of sneaky procedure...a mere six months earlier.

Further research identified the company officer responsible for troubleshooting complaints, and a series of email letters to that Vice President letting him know we knew a little too much...finally had the desired result. The offending office "magically" found one missing payment, then another, and finally the third. Which of course meant an apology by the office manager and, no doubt, a big red flag on that particular file to avoid trying that again.

3. Imply rather than openly threaten. This technique only works with intelligent offenders who can comprehend that they are being threatened. I hate trying to scare dumb people. They are just too...well, dumb to realize they are being threatened. In other words, I love a high I.Q. villain.

In closing: Does this mean I advocate going around picking fights? No. Of course not. But if your life runs anything like ours, you've seen those types who believe doormats should be walked on as much as possible...and unless you rear back and snarl once in a while, they tend to see a big "D" tattooed right in the middle of your forehead.

And even if you lose now and then, just knowing that you are capable of standing up for yourself and willing to do so can do wonders for your self image.

Thanks for reading,

Ghost32