So You Think You Want To Write A Prison Pen Pal
73Guidelines For Selecting The Right One
Writing to people in prison can be a controversial subject. I know. I wrote my first such letter back in 1975 as part of a program sponsored by my church. After a while (I'm a little ashamed to admit) my efforts kind of faded away until 1996, just before Pam and I met, when I ran an ad in a Reno, Nevada, newspaper and received responses from dozens of new friends.
Right about that time, I met my wife, Pam. She eventually joined me in communicating with the incarcerated. Correspondents have come and gone, but we have seldom been without a handful of letters to answer since.
Our own website is humor based, and although we do have a couple of prison humor pages published there, it did not seem the right place to let our reading public learn all we know about writing to prison pen pals. Even though we've become friends with inmates who still have a sense of humor, prison mostly is just not that funny.
Therefore, when we recently discovered hubpages.com, we were THRILLED. Hubs WERE the place to share our knowledge, from telling you which one is our favorite site for finding new prison pen pals to key guidelines for the correspondence itself. This Hub will focus on just the selection of "who to write the first time".
Remember the "who-what-why-where-when" questions we were taught to ask? In this case the first question to ask ourselves is: Why do we want to do this? Are we looking at it as a kind of charity, befriending the friendless? Are we seeking a romantic relationship? Do we simply feel "safer" when we have what is literally a captive audience? Are we simply driven to do so, yet unable to figure out why?
The answer is important, because it will factor into figuring out who you are going to select, as well as what they have done to get behind bars, where they are located geographically, and when they expect to be released.
And believe us, your choice of selections is virtually endless.
Code Words To Identify A Cool Cat To Write To
Now It Is Time To Go Shopping For A New Friend
Once you have answered your own questions as listed above, it is time to see what is available in the prison pen pal pool. If you have not done this before, you are in for a shock: There are dozens of pen pal sites out there, hosting ads for thousands of incarerated men and women looking for friends. In the USA alone, we have literally millions of people behind bars, and the numbers are rising constantly.
We recommend you "cruise" the sites a lot, just getting the feel of them. One suggestion: Pick a "free address" site for your first go-round. Some charge a few dollars per address. Some are free. There is ONE site which is clearly fraudulent and will take your money (credit card data) without delivering a single address, ever. They don't steal your credit card data, but they don't fork over, either.
Here are a few "code words and/or phrases" we've identified over the years. These do not ALWAYS mean what the "code" indicates, but definitely often enough that we should pay attention to them:
1. "Generous"....seeking a friend who will give him/her money and presents, the more the better. Many of the lifers seeking to fool those of us on the outside will use this term.
2. "Legal Help"...seeking someone to hire a top lawyer to help prove their innocence, and to pay for that lawyer as well.
3. "Open Minded"...involved or at least curious about alternative lifestyles. If you are a straight, conservative Christian, you might not be comfortable with this person. Jesus might, but none of us are Jesus.
Beyond that, it is a simple matter of common sense; the same rules you use to evaluate potential friendships on the outside apply.
Next Hub: How To Write A First Letter To A Prison Pen Pal
Thanks for reading,
Ghost32
Parole 1956
Some Prison Pal Websites Providing Free Addresses
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Ghost and Pam, do you have relatives or close friends who are incarcerated?
I do. I know what they did, and I know why they are in jail. I miss who I thought they were, but I don't miss who I came to know they are.
For many years a friend of mine volunteered to write a newsletter for families of inmates. He finally came to the realization that, although the families suffered enormous pain, their incarcerated sons, brothers, and husbands were there for good reason. He burned out.
I admire you for acting in concordance with your beliefs. But I do not agree with what you are promoting. I think you are promoting a way for innocent people to get hurt.
You wrote your first letter through a program sponsored by your church. You believed you were doing the right, just, and Christian thing. That's a lot different from going to a prison pen pal site today and trying to pick an inmate pen pal based on key words and phrases. Many people reading your hub have no church to support them, no family, no friends. They have no one to turn to for consolation and counsel.
Yes, as you said, "Writing to people in prison can be a controversial subject." Please consider my comments to be controversial to your point of view.
Respectfully, S.
Thank you both for your comments. Sally's Trove, I totally respect your viewpoint. It IS true that a lot of incarcerated folks are not ready to "rise to the next level" and do need to simply do their time. I can't (and wouldn't) argue against that.
Also, there ARE a lot of inmates who will take advantage of anyone they can, inside or out.
That said, however, neither I nor Pam find ourselves able to tar every imprisoned Soul with the same brush. If I recall correctly, St. Paul spent more than a little time behind bars "back in the day", for example.
As for innocent people getting hurt, I have to admit that CAN happen...on either side of the bars. More than one of our pen friends has had a man lead her on, commit to her at one level or another (sometimes even including personal visits, phone calls, etc.), and then "disappear" without explanation. But your comment seems to imply that inmates are MORE DANGEROUS than people on the outside, and with that I cannot agree. In fact, it is SAFER in many ways to communicate with inmates, since they can't show up on your doorstep "at will", and a lengthy correspondence is nearly always enough for the writer to reveal his or her true nature.
But most importantly, my wife and I are not able to consign multiple millions of our citizens to an "untouchable caste", a throwaway society, whatever you might call it. You might point to the troubled boxer, Mike Tyson, and understandably raise an eyebrow. Yet for every Iron Mike, I can point to a Martha Stewart who has done time and still done some good after the dues were paid.
I VERY MUCH appreciate your viewpoint being included now, though--perhaps at least some of those innocents who COULD "get hurt" may read your thoughts on the subject and avoid what might, for them, mean danger.
Respectfullly in return,
Ghost
I think it is fantastic. I would really like to get involved, but my concern is centered around giving them my address so they can write back. If it wasn't for that element I wojld definantly write to inmates - without a doubt.
Keep doing what you're doing - wonderful.
Chantelle, thanks for your Comment. I'm assuming your name indicates you are female--if I'm wrong about that, my apologies--and your concern about giving out your addres is ESPECIALLY valid if you are a "girl" writing "guys". There is a possible solution, but maybe it would not work in the UK postal system.
Here in the USA, though, even if we get most of our mail at our house and use that as our usual mailing address, we CAN get a box at the local Post Office or (in the larger towns) there are commercial establishments that will "rent you an address", a box in their building that you can use. That way, an ex-con with bad intentions might know what town or city you were in, but could not immediately zero in on your exact location. If you're in a small town, of course, that could still be dangerous...and I would never suggest you underestimate that potential risk.
On the plus side, a friend of mine who is a lady truck driver has done very well in writing to inmates. In fact, she was married to her long time pen pal immediately upon his release from prison here in Colorado a few months ago. He's a truck mechanic by trade, so they have a lot in common....
So You Think You Want To Write A Prison Pen Pal
This is a good idea
Interesting reading the comments made. Deciding to write to someone in prison is not something to be taken lightly. From my experience, individuals often get into too many things without thinking through the pros and cons. Sadly too many vulnerable folk, often single women, write to prisoners hoping to find someone 'special'. It is easy to forgot where these guys are. They are in prison for a reason and the majority are not innocent. I studied social science, with criminology as my major subject, and have seen many cases of disappointment when the prison 'friend' turns out to be some real bad dude. Writing to an inmate can be a life enhancing and humbling experience but follow the advice that is available. Get involved but don't expect everything to be easy.
Ranger, thanks for the Comment. I particularly like and agree with your closing sentence: "Get involved but don't expect everything to be easy." An additional point worth mentioning: It's a good idea to "consider the source" when a pen pal who has been writing regularly...suddenly stops. He (or she) is simply never heard from again. Most of the inmates we've considered friends over the years have done that sooner or later, and there is little point in taking it personally.
Note to Amanda V: I had to deny your comment. The link to a site was within acceptable parameters. However, clicking on your name took me to the same site, which tells me that it's probably your site. As stated below, "Comments are not for promoting your Hubs or other sites".
However, there is nothing wrong with your site that I could see. Therefore, I'm going to take the time to add a Links listing which WILL include your site as one of those providing free inmate addresses.
Pastor Donna, I've denied your comment for the same reason I denied the comment from Amanda V. However, also for the same reason (i.e. your site does in itself seem to lie within acceptable parameters), I'm adding the URL for your Pass The Word organization to the Links capsule.
Thank you Ghost...I understand and I'm certainly grateful for the link add. God Bless you always and in all ways. From some of the things I have read on this sight you have a good heart that realizes people who are convicted are not necessarily condemned. Life is full of bad decisions and choices for just about anyone. I know I've made a few in my day and I'm just grateful none were within the parameters of ending me up behind bars. After all, I wasn't born with a collar around my neck. We all need someone for encouragement and support. Thank you for the wonderful information you pass on to people.
God's peace.
Pastor Donna, I'm more than happy to have your input. I'm not even certain that every decision which could have put me behind bars was a bad decision or a bad choice--but that's another story. I appreciate your appreciation.
May the blessings be.
I've been cruising the inmate penpal sites, and I keep running across one point of wildly conflicting information. I've seen some sites that claim women in prison receive far more mail than men (and I suppose even one letter is considerably more than none), but other sites claim women are just as contact-starved as men. If I may ask, what's been your experience in this?
Valthon, both things are true. You hit the nail on the head when you supposed that even one letter is considerably more than one. When I ran an ad for prison pen pals in 1996, before I had Internet access, several men did write me even though I'd made myself clear (as to my heterosexual preference) and placed the ad under "Men Seeking Women". So yes, the males as a group are definitely desperate.
Likewise, so are the females. Just to mention our friend who will be joining us when her term finishes in late 2010: She'd done nearly six years behind bars when a friend of hers--one of our ongoing pen pals at the time--introduced us. The friend had been running a pen pal ad for over a year...and ours was the first letter she'd ever received.
Beautiful women with creative ads often draw multiple admirers, while an attractive man may not do as well, but there the difference pretty much ends.
That said, there are those cons, often lifers, who scam the public by lying in their ads, using photos that are not theirs, etc. Some of them have it down to such an art that it becomes a bit of a thriving business. Reading and considering what they have to say with a bit of common sense will weed those out pretty quickly, though.
Yea been there, any I ever had for pen pal was trying to pull some sort of scam that probably had to do with drugs, Id rather give my time to an old man or woman on the outside needing a friend and I won't ever have to worry I will get a knife in my back. But to each his own.
To each his own, absolutely; you stated that perfectly. And a whole lot of inmates ARE trying to pull some sort of scam.
On the other hand, a close friend of mine, a lady truck driver in Colorado, wound up happily married to a man she'd met as a prison pen pal when he was doing time. Turned out his trade was truck mechanic, and they also turned out to be a great fit in other ways as well.
There is, for my wife and me at least, one flip side to what you've said: We HAVE gotten the "knife in the back" from helping an elderly person on the outside who needed a friend.
The percentage of knife wielding inmates is definitely higher, though.
Are you sure there aren't a few more "codewords" you can post for people to watch out for?
Mythbuster, your comment did trigger recall of one more, namely "Outspoken". That translates--to me, anwyay--as "impossible to live with, outrageous control freak with monster mouth and probably a temper to match". Or something like that.
Enough, anyway, that just seeing that one in any pen pal ad is a deal killer...unless you're looking to be a masochistic doormat. In that case, to each his own.
hi my name is Rob and i am curently living in Ireland,i am writting this letter looking for some advise.i have an irish friend who is awaiting trial in an english prison on drugs charge,i have struggeled to write a few letters to him,which he is gratfull for,but my dilema is i am not really a pen to paper man.He is aware of this,and knows that i like to visit face to face but this can be diffacult as i am in a different country,he has asked me to find him a few penpals to pass the time and bordome.i have been looking on the internet but am finding it hard to find people who want to write to someone in prison.Any info are help would be appriciated.........i can be contaccted on bobdiamond80@yahoo.ie........thanks in advance
Rob, I really can't think of any advice on FINDING pen pals, which has to be difficult under any circumstances unless you happen to be a beautiful girl. The best I can do is keep your comment published...just in case someone reads who might be able to help.
Hello Ghost32 and Pam, I've found this hub to be very interesting -- and the comments, too.
In 1995, I saw an article in the newspaper in British Columbia where I lived. It was about a Canadian lady in prison for life without parole in one of the eastern states -- Massachusetts, I think it was. She had already spent 20 years on prison. The details were grisly, but what she had done in self-defense (murder) I've seen articles on men who got ten years and parole or thereabouts. She was hoping and waiting for her sentence to be shortened or lifted -- I forget the proper term. We wrote each other for two years. When I moved to Hawaii, I lost her address and couldn't remember the state -- until I bumped into the right box of stuff years later. I don't know if she is now free and back in the Acadia part of Canada. I hope so.
It was a heavy kind of a burden, that correspondence. The details were too much.
However, I think it's good to write to prisoners if one can know one's limits and choose the kind of prisoner accordingly so that each can bring a little light into the other's area.
An excellent movie is Forever Strong. It's an uplifting movie that helps show there is some good in (almost) every person. And every person in this world needs to have hope and goals.
Thanks for commenting, Pamela. Neither Pam nor I have much difficulty in dealing with (as you say) "the grisly details"...perhaps because our own multifacted lives have helped us to be somewhat understanding of almost any possible human behavior (with the accent on "almost").
Also, thanks for mentioning Forever Strong. Sounds like a good movie, and one I didn't know about prior to your post.
Unrelated topic: I've been in B.C. a bit over the years. Seminar in Victoria for one. Years before that, my rodeo career frequently took me up that way--Kimberly, Penticton, Kamloops, etc.
And I still miss the stunningly beautiful blonde Swedish 17-year-old who was visiting her Canadian relatives on vacation and met me at a rodeo in Kelowna. I didn't win any money there, but did win a memory.
She wanted her people to take her picture with a cowboy and, after studying the looks of every bronc rider in the arena, selected me. Yowza! She spoke not one word of English, and the rain was overcast with occasional drizzle--but to this day, I can still recall the feel of her through my denim jacket as she tucked under my right arm for the camera.
I was a gnarly old 18 years of age at the time....:)
Hi Ghost,
I think you're doing a great thing.
I am emailing from England and from what i can gather you are in the states?
I have an idea and wanted to run it by you....
Do you think any US prisoners would be interested in writing to any UK prisoners?
My brother is a prisoner at HMP Swaleside in Kent England, my mum and i write to him as much as we can but i think we are really the only ones.
He has served 4 years of a 14 year sentence, he was only 23 when he first went to prison and most of his friends have since tailed off.
Sorry if it looks like i'm giving a sob story! i just wanted to put you in the picture, i would also like to add that his crime (although very serious) had absolutely nothing to do with women or children.
I know he would love to receive & write letters to female prisoners, do you of anyone he can write to? i'm sure he also has a few friends inside who feel the same....
Have you any experience of prisoners writing to prisoners? i suppose the only downside i can think of is that as they are both inside it letters may run out of steam - but worth a try i think!
I'd love to know your thoughts and comments, certainly anything i can do or any ideas you have to help get the ball rolling please guide me.
I look forward to reading your reply,
Thanks!
Whoops - i actually think you're in Canada not the US!
Please accept my apology for my typo.
Thanks
Hi, Sarah.
You had it right the first time--I'm in the U.S. Was living in Colorado when I wrote this article. Since April of 2009, though, my wife and I've been living in Arizona, right down near the Mexican border.
It's a great idea, having female inmates correspond with your brother...except that, unfortunately, it won't work. I don't know about other countries, but every U.S. prison (that I've encountered, anyway) absolutely FORBIDS correspondence between inmates. Guess they figure that if a felon is writing another felon, the correspondence must be something ...felonious?
This restriction is so strongly enforced that even close relatives sometimes have to resort to trickery to get around it. For example, let's say a brother and sister were incarcerated at the same time. Bro is in a Wyoming prison; Sis is in Missouri. So they get a third party to agree to help them out--let's say that's Mom in California, but it could be anybody willing to do it.
Sis then writes Mom, but most of the letter is really for Bro. Mom gets rid of the Missouri prison envelope, mails Sis's letter to Bro in a standard "civilian" envelope. Bro reads the letter from Sis and then sends a letter to Mom...which is really mostly for Sis...and the process continues.
Which isn't a good situation for anyone. For one thing, if the prison staff members wise up to what's going on, the inmate is in trouble--will get a writeup for breaking the rules, and that's never a good thing. Additionally, Bro and Sis both have to figure Mom is reading every word they write...even if she swears otherwise on a stack of Bibles.
It's too bad, but there's little you, I, or your brother can do about it. At least YOU care; in many of our pen pal cases, every former friend AND every family member has abandoned the inmate....
Many thanks for getting back to me and putting me in the picture.
Its a real shame that the rules are so strict, i know in the UK prisoners can currently write to other prisoners, although if any rule is going to change it will probably be ours not yours....
I have to think of something else and if i do i'll run it by you.
You're a really funny guy and i love reading your thread.
I hope you're enjoying Arizona, i stayed on a ranch there a few years back - it beat rainy London any day!
Take care and keep up the good work
It is a shame. I'm convinced the downside of two inmates communicated is overrated...but then again, the prison staff members aren't always that sharp, either. We once sent an $80 money order to a girl in a Kansas prison...the prison got the M.O. but claimed otherwise...and then they magically found it 10 MONTHS later.
I certainly do agree with you about Arizona ranches vs. rainy London. Was only there one time, in the (Heathrow?) Airport, changing flights...and that was enough for me!
Hi Ghost,
I'm a young woman in the US who is interested in communicating with prisoners as a sort of charitable act, but definitely not looking for romance or anything like that. I just have a lot of compassion for the situation of a lot of prisoners. I have written several prisoners in the last few days, and felt pretty good about the people I chose and all- but then when I told my mom about it, she totally flipped (I'm an adult, btw). Anyway, it got me a little nervous about the fact that I had just given my address out to some potentially dangerous people. But you know, when I think about it rationally, it seems pretty safe. The likelihood of someone going to such great lengths to harm me seems incredibly small. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to write you because I'm looking for someone with experience to tell me that it's not as scary as my mother made it seem.
Not to worry, but your Mom isn't totally off base. It's less dangerous (though still worth a bit of caution) when a guy outside is writing a female inmate, but there is SOME potential for danger no matter who's writing who...as there is in contact with ANYONE who's new in your life.
Oddly (and perhaps sadly) enough, recently released inmates have not infrequently been scammed or otherwise harmed by those who wrote them from the outside; it's not just the other way around.
You do have some advantages on your side. The very first (and most important) is that you feel good about your choices. I have one friend, a lady truck driver in Colorado, who married an inmate (an auto mechanic) when he got out, and threat or danger was never a part of it.
That said, however, you'll want to see how these guys seem as time goes on. If one of them gets pushy, starts angling for more in the relationship (love, money, whatever),please do pay attention.
Bottom line, you can tell a lot about the guys as correspondence continues over time.
And, were I you, I might take one simple precaution. That is, get yourself a Post Office box, and then whenever you get replies from the inmates, tell them in your next letter to use THAT mailing address. Over time, then, they'll probably forget about the earlier address.
Hi there, like other people on this site I have been really interested in writing to a pen pal in prison, but have the problem with giving the address away. I can't afford a PO Box, it's very expensive here in the UK, I'm not sure about the prices in the US.. What do you think is the best option after a P.O Box?
Thanks :)
Hmm...truth be told, I'm not really sure. We have private businesses here that do provide boxes (which look like regular street adresses but are actually drop boxes inside of a business storefront). Those (here, anyway) are even more expensive than a regular P.O. box, though, so....
I'm also at a bit of a disadvantage, not living in the UK. That is, I don't know your country's overall system. Perhaps you might simply ask around locally, "What can be done to keep nosy people from tracking your mail right to your front door, you know, just for the sake of privacy and all? Eh?"
That approach has worked for me in the past, anyway. It's sometimes quite impressive what you can discover by simply asking.
Hope this helps--not coming up with anything else at the moment.
great site
hello, i am writing another comment, again i want to say great page and thanks for all the info !
i am currently debating if i should start writing inmates. i would love to have a penpal and open up to someone who truly feels alone and will be happy with my letters. ive had (internet) penpals in the past, eventually stop talking (whatever the problem may be ) and i do take it personal...
i bet to a few sites and found people i feel interested in (friends of course) but i am nervous about having my address out - PO BOX seems alot right now......should i be nervous giving my address out?? thanks
Nina, you might want to hold off until you can afford a P.O. Box. In most cases, using a real address is NOT a problem--but there's always the possibility you might pick the wrong person to write or even that a "bad person" in the prison mail room might note your street address.
It's a bit safer when you're a guy (or a couple, as we are) writing to females.
However, on the other side of that coin, the internet penpals you had in the past were already out and actually posed as much danger OR MORE than inmates do.
Bottom line: Trust your instincts. They'll usually guide you well and safely. If you're nervous...wait.
You might suggest to those who can't afford a PO Box to ask a local church if they would be willing to be the address. Most would be willing.
Cool! You just DID suggest it, you know!
I'd actually never thought of that. But then, I've not been near very many (Christian) churches in the last 40 years or so, since finding a non-Christian path that suited me.
Thanks!
I have been writing to an inmate for over a year and using my home address. She will be released soon and has recently stopped writing me. Should I be scared for my and my familiy's safety? Is there anything I can do to protect myself? I wish I had been warned to use another address BEFORE I started writing.
Step One: Relax a bit, Krista. Every inmate correspondent we've had in the past 15 years who stopped writing prior to release did so because she simply didn't care about us any more. One headed straight for the drugs and booze, got caught "providing services" for a guy in an alley, and was back "inside" within weeks.
Another had been contacted by her adult children and simply "abandoned" us to be with them.
If you feel the need to take some security steps "just in case", though, a few that come to mind are:
1. Use your intuition. Not the Fear Factor, but that still small voice that makes you slow down before you pass that cop waiting around the corner--that sort of thing.
2. For simple self defense if it went that far, a lightweight aluminum baseball bat is a dandy item, easy to swing and much more effective than anything short of a firearm--which few ex-cons will have the money for, anyway.
3. It's not a bad idea to keep your cell phone charged and handy and--if you tend to lose it in the bottom of your purse--maybe in a separate case clipped to your hip.
4. Any family members who are old enough could be instructed to let you know if they see "anybody funny" in the neighborhood.
But most likely, you're not in any danger at all.
Is there a way to mail prisoners without giving home address to anyone (even those mail prisoner sites)? Because I would really love to mail someone,but I am afraid for the safety of my family. Thanx a lot!
Absolutely. The best prison pen pal sites don't require you to give them any information at all. They list the inmate's contact info including address right on the prisoner's website profile. So no problem there.
Then with a P.O. Box (or a drop box at one of the Mailboxes Etc. or UPS store locations), you're covered for writing to the prioners themselves.
Taking the safety of your family into consideration is always a good idea.
Thank you! I will try to find more pages,because all of the ones I already found did require my personal home address. Thank you a lot!
Lara, I don't believe either Write a Prisoner or Meet an Inmate require them--and they're both good sites. You might Google those.
Good luck! :)
how do you git frends
layton, as far as I know, the only way to get a friend is to be a friend--or, in the case of writing to a prison inmate, at least offering to be one. Pick a prison pen pal website, find an ad posted by someone with whom you feel a real connection, write a letter, and see what happens.
Heather Heaton: Your comment was denied/deleted for the following reasons:
1. Comments are not for promoting...other sites (as stated below the "Post Comment" button.
2. The comment was significantly longer than the Hub itself and by default "hijacked" my Hub. That's another no-no.
HOWEVER, I checked out your website, liked what I saw, and would like our readers to be able to find your e-book, so I'm reposting the one link here:
The other link you posted did not work.
TO OUR READERS: Heather's book is based on true letters from prison written by an inmate and details a lot of the hardcore, negative experiences that are all too commonplace behind prison walls...but the inmate eventually triumphs, so it's not all gloom and doom. I've not yet read the book but believe it to be real and likely to be of value to anyone wanting a deeper understanding of the world in which the incarated must live and (more or less) function.
i want to write to a prisoner , but i'm scared ... would he be able to see my adress ?
Yes, he would be able to see your address. How else would he right you back?
I'd recommend (so you don't have to be scared) that you DON'T write a prisoner until or unless you can get a Post Office Box. That way, he'll never know where you live unless you tell him.
Hi, I have a question. What happens once the prisoner is out? Is there a chance that they might try to find you and/or get in touch with you? Bc while I would like to write to them, I'm not so keen on having a prisoner show up on my doorstep three years later.
And other than getting a PO Box which can be traced back to me, is there no way to do this without them knowing where I live?
Anon: Yes, there's always that chance, which is one very big reason why lots of folks don't write prisoners in the first place. As long as that's a concern for you, you're better off NOT writing in the first place. And, other than the P.O. Box defense, I don't know of any (simple) way to keep them from knowing where you live.
Also, I tend to believe it's a bit trickier for a lone female writing a male inmate than the other way around.
That said, a couple of points/thoughts on the plus side of writing:
1. Pam and I've been doing this (writing prisoners) for more than 15 years now, almost nonstop. Our correspondents (over time) have numbered probably more than a hundred, though I don't maintain a count as such. In all that time, we've never felt a prisoner was going to show up on our doorstep--except for one here and there we offered a place in our household. And even THEY didn't show up!
2. If you stick to "letters only" and clean conversation, you're at much less risk. We've sent small amounts of financial support to several ladies, and they do tend to "hang on" harder if there's money involved--for obvious reasons.
Do you think writing to someone on Death Row would be a good solution? I mean, the chances of them ever leaving the jail are very small, right?
On the down side, they're probably the most dangerous ones and if they do get out ... O_o
Yes, writing someone on Death Row would be a very good solution--as long as you can deal with your correspondent being executed when the time comes.
The chances of them leaving prison are absolutely ZERO--unless new DNA evidence proves their innocence, which does happen these days.
As for being potentially the most dangerous...not necessarily. Death Row changes a person over time. I'd think the the most dangerous types are the ones who never got caught in the first place.
Educational note: The inmate you'd be writing is most likely in a prison, not a jail. Some county jails are used to house short term convicted felons these days, but for the most part people who are arrested stay in a county JAIL until their trials are over. From there, they are either released (if found innocent) or shipped off to a state or federal PRISON (if found guilty).
Just FYI.
Hey :),
I'd love to write to a prisoner
only issue is that I'm under 18. I'm not looking for anything romantic, and I'll probably write to women anyway, but it seems all the websites forbid people under 18 to be prisoner pen-pals.
I was wondering why, and whether there is any way to bypass this rule. Maybe I could write to young prisoners, that are themselves under 18?
I'm not exactly sure why I want to do this, I just feel everybody deserves a friend, and I'm very much anti death penalty (which is why I'd prefer to write somebody on death row).
Thanks so much for writing this hub!
Carrie
Carrie, I strongly encourage you to wait till you turn 18 before writing any prisoners. You didn't say how MUCH under 18 you are--if you're, say, 14, then waiting is going to seem like "forever". I understand. In fact, I was seriously looking to leave home by age 9 (not my parents' fault, mostly just me)...but toughed it out until after I was 18. That's a couple of eternities!
But the reason for waiting is simply that if you write while you're still a minor, you put your correspondent at risk.
Let me back up a sec here, try first to explain the "why" of the Nobody Under 18 rule. I personally disagree with that rule--but I do understand the reasoning behind it. By the numbers:
1. In our society, anybody under 18 is legally considered a minor or even (yes, they think this) a CHILD... and the "Powers That Be" believe they have a special responsibility to safeguard children from possible harm whether the "children" want to be protected or not and whether they really need protection or not.
From your post, it's clear you're not a "child" in the sense of being immature, but since judging maturity is a complex task overall, society in general uses age as a yardstick.
2. If you write anyone before you turn 18, you'll have to lie about your age...but you'll still be a danger to the very person you want to help. Because if anyone in authority (parents, prison officials, whoever) figures it out, the FIRST thing they'll do is go after the prison inmate.
You know, saying THEY solicited YOU and they KNEW you were an innocent little child.
Believe me, in prison you're assumed guilty unless proven innocent, not the other way around--and they won't believe you if you try to come to your friend's defense either. After all, you're only a kid; you're the victim, and that's that.
Do I think that's RIGHT? No, I don't--but it's not about "right" or "wrong". It's about dealing with the way things are.
3. Why do the websites forbid participation if you're under 18? To protect themselves legally. It's not their fault; they HAVE TO do it that way. There are predators everywhere, of course, not just in prison. But if a pen pal (of either gender--there's a higher percentage of gay or at least bi activity in any prison than there is out on the street)...if a pen pal were to, say, get released from prison and take off on a cross country crime spree with his or her underaged pen pal girl in tow....
If you're a webmaster, you don't want your website to be the one that enabled the two of them to hook up. So you post the prohibition to cover your own tail.
I know this isn't encouraging for the short term, but I still hope it helps. One thing I can say: Age 18 WILL come around, no matter how far off it seems at the moment. And prisoners in need WILL still be around for you to write at that time.
Just saying.
I'll wait until I'm eighteen, it won't take long!
Thank you very much for clearing it up for me!
Getting them into trouble is obviously the last thing I want :)
So there are no young inmates I could write to? Do you know whether they accept letters and such?
Thank you very much for answering me so soon!
Carrie
Carrie, there are definitely some young inmates who'd love to hear from you. The pen pal websites only list their youngest Search parameters down to age 18, but (from what I've seen) they tend to start at like, "18-20", then "21-23", etc., or sometimes year by year.
There are fewer in the younger age listings, but they're not nonexistent.
You're probably not going to find anybody UNDER 18, since the websites most likely don't dare list them even if they are prisoners. But from 18 on, yes.
You're very welcome, by the way, and your interest in befriending someone who's behind bars is appreciated.
Hey. So there was this guy in prison who texted my phone cuz my num used to be his friends num. Anyway, we started txtn eachother a lot and he even sent me pics of himself. He then asked me to write him letters cuz he wants to be able to still talk to me when he gets out. So he gave me the address to write to. So, the thing is @ first i was nervous to even txt him @ all but now i feel comfortable with him & i dnt feel threatened. But i still keep thinkin in the back of my head this cud be rlly dangerous. Anyway so he told me i shud get a p.o. box so then we cud write since he understands if i dnt want to give my address. So for one i'm nervous and debating on wether i shud write him or not cuz then that makes it forsure that he can contact me even after he gets out (though he cud memorize my num still). Then on top of that i dnt even kno wat to write i asked him and he told me just tell him abt my day or wtvr but idk how to make it interesting. Plz help & give me advice. Thnx!
Hm. The first thing that makes me curious is: How is a guy in prison able to text anybody, anyway? You didn't say where he was, but in most U.S. prisons, they don't let prisoners run around with cell phones texting people on the outside. In fact, any cell phone us usually considered contraband, confiscated when found by staff, and the person who got caught with it gets written up and suffers some sort of consequences.
So...first (since you two are already texting each other), could you text him and ask how he manages that?
On the plus side, if you choose to go ahead and write him, he's right about the P.O. Box: It does give you a bit of protection.
If you're nervous enough to want to cut off any and all access, of course, the simplest way to do that is change your number and make sure the phone company does NOT put on a message that tells people who dial what your new number is. (They'll do it either way, but you've got to tell them specifically how you want it done.)
Then again, if you're writing and trying to figure out how to make it interesting, he's right--just write about ANYTHING. We currently have two prison pen pals, one here in Arizona and one in Georgia. We live out in the boonies, so sometimes I write about the wildlife in the area, or the wildfire that hit the mountains to the west of us last summer, or the monsoon rains...whatever.
If he'll give you his prison ID number (and of course full name), and if you wanted, I'd be happy to research him a bit for you. That is, you could email me (there's a "Contact Ghost32" button you can click on my profile page) with his data, including the state (if in this country) where he's incarcerated. I could then try looking him up (it's something we always do), and in many cases it's possible to gain some real insight into the inmate.
Hope this helps.
Hi,
I wanted to share some experience writing a prisoner.I wrote a year ago a letter to a lady incarcerated for 15 years.A few month later I only got an answer from her. Since then we write every week. Then it started to become a romance. I feel comfortable with her unless she is 28 years younger than I.I was a little afraid when she told me weeks ago that upon her release she wants to come to me and become my wife. I must admit that I fell in love too, but real life is so much different than a relation via mail.I feel however good , I gave her hope and I would like to share my life with her.I hope this romance will survive the remaining 9 years , the distance ( I am in Europe , she in the US ) and the difference of age. But I trust her and I give us a chance.
So like everyone else who has writen you, I to have been thinking about writing prisoners. I am a male and I wanted to write females but, I'm scared for them to have my address, not for myself but for my family. I corrently stay with my parents and siblings. At first I thought about just writing prisoners in different states so that it would be harder for them to contact me when they are out, but after reading your blog I think I've found the answer...
The woman earlier asked you about people in the U.S writing to inmates in the UK, I think that is a great idea and solves the problem for all of us who keep asking you the same question about giving out our address because of fear, what do you think?
Also the scamming part has me very scared? I don't want to get emotionally attached and end up heartbroken, losing a little money I can deal with, but as I've read on other sites concerning doing this, many of the women use fake pics and fake ages, what can I do to get around this fear? I know I can do research using their prison ID to find out about the age, what about the pic?
jimmi58: Congratulations, and thanks for sharing. She'll certainly need you after she's been down for all that time. Long term inmates get "institutionalized" (can't help it) and find the relatively unstructured world outside prison walls a difficult--often impossible--challenge when they're released...unless they can lean on someone. Good for both of you.
Gabriel: Your fear is understandable and even sensible. I've never had that, but most people do; I'm a bit of a "freak" in that regard.
As for the fake picture problem, there's one simple way to handle that. Not every state makes inmate profiles available to the public online, but some do. You can figure out which do by experimenting a little.
Go to any state's Department of Corrections website and look for a page that allows you to search for an inmate. Plug in the name and/or ID number (the numbers are usually posted with their online ads). If her page comes up, it will have an official prison picture of her right there.
Although I don't know if it works that way for girls in the UK. Never wrote to one of them.
Great hub Fred, I'm of the school that many are in lock down because they didn't have the money for bail much less an attorney so the resulting sentence was a lazy cop just getten''er done and moving along, much like the bad check writer or shop lifter, after the first successes it just gets easier with every sloppy investigation or recycling dope out of evidence for racial driven plants.
I don't trust a cop and I'd rather see 20 bad guys walk than one innocent get a year and parole at 4 months, and we find out often that new techniques free folks after 25 years and the like.
I can't imagine being in front of a parole board, knowing never did the crime I was convicted for, trying to stay cool and convince them "Yes, boss, I learned my lesson" man that'd be tough on a guy or gal.
I wrote one letter years back (mid 80s) and I got a return a few months later that was all about needing envelopes, stamps, and instructions on putting money in their account for smokes and personal needs, that she needed every month, the kind I know were provided.
It screamed con-job for cash and her address being in the last page of "Easy Rider" magazine, I figure 5 bucks here and there made for good release cash. I never wrote back, it was an easy scam to pick out.
I've been just bouncing back and forth on my RSS Feed page and reading here and there, I know this is an older writing but it is still quite relevant and jump started a thought to possibly look into doing it again.
I'm surprised they don't have internet access for email once a month, but since every mail coming or going gets read before the prisoner reads it or it gets sent it would be a hurdle that a few editors would have to get the mail, read it and then forward it on either with sections blocked out or intact if it met the rules.
I voted you up here as I see if one gets a con that just looks forward to mail like a soldier in a distant place does, it would be a good thing to do. Writing pass around letters to our troops is a thing that is welcome to many, their not in prison but are on "death row" of sorts that many think is cruel to leave a prisoner convicted for crime worthy of the sentence, (judged by others, not me, I don't support it). I view combat tours as holding the same fears, wondering if today is the day, with the exception that a soldier gets no warning of impending death a week prior.
I'm off to find your follow up on this one,
Peace,
Dust
Good to see you checking in here, Dusty. After 15 + years of writing various incarcerated females, Pam and I believe we finally have a "right one" about to take it to the next level. Sherri is planning to live with us once she gets out, though there are hoops to jump through along the way: 4 months required in a halfway house before being approved to leave the Phoenix area, for one. Then Parole approval of our place, etc.
And, in 2017, we expect to add a second girl, Jennifer--who fortunately maxes out, so there'll be no Parole issues.
All of which is sort of "just in time". Pam's brain demyelination is not going to get better. The other day, she poured water over her head to wash her hair, letting the water fall into the bathtub. Which would have been logical...except that I don't have the tub hooked up to the drainpipe yet.
Oops.
Which is by way of saying, the girls will need a place to stay, and we'll need the help for Pam as time goes on. Win-win all around.
As for the "obvious scams" like the one you described, yeah, we've seen plenty of those--and also a few who wrote us for a year or two before showing their true colors. And we STILL like the average con better than the average cop. :)
Thanks for the approbation.
I work at a prison. I screened the mail for several months. I work at a women's prison. The pen pal thing is a huge scam. I have seen inmates sending out 10 letters a night to different men all over the country each one pretty much a form letter about how much the female inmate is attracted to the man and when she gets out she would love to move in with him and perhaps get married. They usually will start asking for money and stamps within a few letters. Once the money and stamps stop flowing the "I love you and want to be with you" letters stop flowing. The inmates who have pen pals far away enough that the pen pal more than likely won't be able to travel to visit the inmate for some time will send a picture of a better looking inmate or a photo of themselves to the pen pal before all their teeth rotted out of their mouth and they were thinner and cuter. There are few legitimate well meaning female inmates in my experience.
John: First, thanks for posting.
Secondly, while I do understand that plenty of inmates use the pen pal thing as a scam, I do NOT agree with your conclusions en masse. What you have seen, you have seen. No argument with that; I'm sure it's accurate.
BUT: Pam and I have personally written more to more than 200 inmates over the past fifteen years (and some months). We encountered some that were "working the system" as you describe; no doubt about it. However, by using a bit of common sense, learning the "code language" as time went on, and taking our time--we ALSO found ourselves able to "filter" the scammers out pretty quickly. In fact, MOST of the time we accomplish that before we ever write a letter, and pass them by.
Also, over the years, we (or sometimes I, if Pam's disabilities were acting up too fiercely for her to travel) have face-to-face visited correspondents in prisons in the following states:
--Kansas
--Montana
--South Dakota
--California
--Arizona
One of the girls did indeed get to the point where she attempted to "work" us for more than stamp money. But the rest were good people. One of them, who will be released from prison next month after serving a six year hitch, will be joining our household, and we have NO concerns on that score. Yes, we will take "normal precautions" for a year or two after she gets here, but only as a "just in case" measure.
A second, younger lady (our friend in Arizona who's getting out is in her fifties), will also be joining us after she gets out in 2017. That sweetie is a "prison baby" who pretty much grew up behind bars. We've been in touch with her since 2005. At this point, we write and accept weekly collect phone calls, but are sending her NO money, not even for stamps.
Besides our experience, a former coworker and good friend of mine, a lady truck driver, married the man who'd been her prison pen pal when he got out. This was in Colorado. He's a mechanic, a hard worker, and the couple has been happily married (so far as I can tell, anyway) for the past six years.
Now, all that said, I DO AGREE with your closing comment that there are "few legitimate well meaning female inmates"--IF you're talking PERCENTAGES. If you're talking pure numbers, however, I'd put the figure somewhere in the thousands (at least) in the U.S. alone.
And those girls who ARE well meaning do REALLY need a "friend on the outside". It's not only the gullible folks in the civilian world who get scammed, hurt, etc.--it's also the good people INSIDE who take one helluva lot of hits.
Plus (and we don't see this documented often enough), there are more than a few cases when a well meaning inmate--male or female--has been mistreated after they got out by the person with whom they'd been corresponding. Scams run both ways.
To me, corresponding with prison pen pals is not unlike panning for gold: Swirling all that sand around in the water takes patience, yes, and there are plenty of worthless pebbles and flakes of mica to sort through along the way. But when, one day, you suddenly see a nugget the size of your thumb, gleaming happily up at you from the bottom of the pan, the effort is suddenly worth it.
And then some.
William F. Torpey Level 2 Commenter 4 years ago
Very interesting hub. I've never thought much about those who write letters to prisoners, so your information reveals a great deal to me. I do feel we have too many people in prison today (some 2 million I understand.) The video also is interesting, and illustrates, I think, why we have such a problem. Seven years appears to be grossly unjust for the prisoner, who was sentenced to 6 months to 14 years. The sentence appears to have been "pulled out the air." I hope your hub inspires people to write to prisoners. It's a very nice gesture.