Sarah Palin's Alaska #4 : Caribou Barbie on the Hunt

This episode focuses on a caribou hunt taking place north of the Arctic Circle. Sarah Palin usually hunts meat for the freezer with her husband, Todd, but not this time. Todd will go moose hunting a week later; this go-round is reserved for the former Governor of Alaska to spend quality time with her father, 72-year-old Chuck Heath--the dude who taught her how to hunt in the first place.

Plus a friend of the family, Steve Becker.

Sarah reminds Piper that she has an upcoming spelling test, Becker asks Chuck about his impressive collection of animal skulls, and they're off!

The first stop is at Camp Kavik, managed by the intrepid Sue Aikens. Population of Kavik: 1.

Not only has Sue managed alone at what may well be the most remote human outpost on Earth for the past eight years, but she's been more or less eaten by a bear...and lived. As she related the tale, she knew the bear was in the area and that it was pretty aggressive. Even so, she had laid down her rifle to do a chore one day--when the bear charged out of hiding and chomped down on her head. Dragged her quite some distance.

But (obviously) the not-so-wee beastie didn't eat her right there and then. She played dead, and it eventually let go, moved off a bit to take care of some other bear duties. Sue had trouble walking, but managed to reach her quarters (no thought of the rifle lying on the ice crossing her mind at the time), grab a spare weapon (she has many) and return to blast the bully bear to oblivion. As Sarah pointed out, in Alaska a human being is just one food group, not at the top of the food chain...and would be wise to act accordingly.

Following the bear's demise, Sue had to wait for another 10 days before a pilot touched down at the camp and found her.

I dare any Progressive to top that story!

Even Kavik wasn't the end of the trail. Where Chuck Heath and his daughter has chosen to hunt was in a spot only accessible by a specialized plane that can carry just one passenger at a time.

Once all three hunters were situated with the guys in one tent and Sarah sleeping in the other beside their pile of gear--and with rifles at the ready lying beside each human in the event of nighttime visitations by bears--it was time to get some shuteye. As Sarah said, when sleeping in bear country, she wants to have two things close at hand:

1. A loaded rifle.

2. Her father.

Personally, I'd pick Todd Palin for backup, but Chuck Heath is clearly no slouch in the wilderness, either. Guess when it comes to being a lady's Great Protector, daddies do get firsties, at that.

The next day was wasted--almost. The threesome hiked for more than ten miles without seeing a single caribou. Chuck took a tumble on the hike but didn't get hurt. Then, in one of those quirks familiar to anyone who's ever hunted so much as a cottontail rabbit, they were back in camp for the evening when a caribou suddenly popped into view.

Becker couldn't take it. Late in the day or not, he set off after the critter alone...and brought down the first kill of the hunt.

Which cost Sarah a dollar. She and Becker had bet one buck on who would make the first kill and five bucks on who would bag the largest caribou. First dollar...gone.

Sarah hated losing that dollar--yes, she's that competitive--so it wasn't too surprising that she took charge the next morning by declaring that they needed to head west from the camp that day. Gotta find a bigger caribou than the one Becker got, doncha know. Five bucks on the line!

Except, as Chuck pointed out, she was pointing east.

So they went east.

This was the final day of the hunt, but to her everloving relief, they didn't get skunked that time out. Yep. In due course, they actually spotted a caribou within shooting distance. With Becker already having scored and Daddy not about to spoil his daughter's fun, there was no question about who got to shoot that sucker. Sarah took careful aim, squeezed the trigger.

And missed.

Fired again...and missed again. Used Chuck's rifle...and missed a third time. You might be wondering why the caribou was still hanging around, waiting to get clobbered. The answer, though, is simple enough: It knew about the danger of wolves but, having little or no experience of men, it didn't realize what those hornets might be that kept buzzing over its head. It would run a little bit, but then stop....

Finally, Sarah used Becker's weapon...and dropped the animal, stone cold dead, never knew what hit it...in a single shot, dead center.

Happy hunter...despite the fact that her kill was not bigger than Becker's, so now she owed him another five dollars.

Naturally, her Dad refused to believe that both rifles he had personally sighted in were off. Had to be shooter error, right?

Wrong.

Chuck Heath found that out the hard way back at camp when Becker set up a target that he, Chuck, the mighty lifetime hunter, could not hit. Not too embarrassing. It's only on a highly rated TV show, Heath. But don't feel bad. My own Dad once sighted in a .30-30 for me, swore it shot a foot high at 100 yards. Uh-huh. Okay; I could allow for that. Except that it turned out to be dead on, leading me to shoot under the chest of the biggest buck I ever saw in my life. (It's always the biggest critters that get away.) My only excuse for not checking the rifle out myself? I was 14. Never made that mistake again!

Memo to Sarah: Sighting in your own pea shooter is highly recommended!

But the best line of the entire show comes right near the end of the hour. Sarah is back in Wasilla with her load of caribou meat. She wants her daughter to be impressed, but Piper has the double problem of being an outspoken Palin and--well, a kid. She doesn't pull punches.

"Mom," she finally opines, "You shot a really tiny caribou!"

Ouch.

Still, Alaska's very own Caribou Barbie did not have to face the bumper sticker on Becker's truck which reads,

VEGETARIAN: AN OLD INDIAN WORD MEANING "POOR HUNTER".

In any sense of the word, Sarah Palin is no vegetarian.