How to Cuss Without Swearing : A Political Primer for Presidential Candidates

You'd think anyone old enough to run for President would know better than to use coarse language in public these days.

Apparently not. Donald Trump had a huge victory over President Obama--you know, the Art of the Deal where the Stonewaller In Chief finally released something described as his birth certificate, never mind the apparently questionable authenticity of same. He (Trump, not Obama) was on a roll.

And then he popped right on out to Las Vegas and fired off the F-bomb three times in a single fiery speech.

Hunh.

Looks like somebody needs a "How To" course on cussing without swearing, starting with a basic explanation of why you don't toss that particular four letter word around lightly in today's political climate. Will profanity derail any Presidential campaign The Donald might mount for 2012? Got me. One thing is clear, though: A touch of education is in order.

Because while rhymes-with-duck is not an unknown term when it comes to business or the blue collar working man's world and practially counts as a pillar of faith in the comedy clubs, that particular word offends a whole lot of folks as deeply as, say, an ethnic slur. I know this because a couple of my six ex-wives really, really couldn't stand it. (Don't ask me how I found that out, okay?) And they wouldn't vote for any politician that used it, ever.

So it's simply good business, see? Votes are the coin of the realm in politics; using hardcore profanity drains your political capital faster than a Democrat can play the race card.

No, of course not if you're Pete Stark, the foul-mouthed, constituent-cursing U.S. Representative from California's 13th Congressional District. He's a Democrat, so that makes it okay. Republicans are held to a higher standard.

Okay, that's why it's a good thing to know how to cuss without swearing. Now, the techniques--in no particular order of importance.

HOW TO CUSS WITHOUT SWEARING : GRADING THE TECHNIQUES

1. Obviously, using the F-word itself in public as Trump did in Vegas can receive only one possible grade: F.

2. One extremely common method is to use that same rhymes-with-truck word only in private, remembering at all times to censor yourself in public. The problem with this system is that sometimes what you thought was private suddenly goes public, as President Nixon found out via the release of the Watergate tapes. This one gets a grade of: D.

3. True holy men and women and personages (going for pc here) tell us that if we have spiritually cleansed our minds of such low impulses, no cuss word will even take root in our thoughts, let alone leave our lips. In the abstract, this sounds worthy of an A grade. Unfortunately, most of us are yet a goodly distance from such a worthy and lofty goal. Because only a relative few can use this technique successfully , it gets a much lower overall grade: D+.

3. Next we arrive at the Euphemism Utterance where a milder but still descriptive term is substituted for something far more intense. One leading practitioner of the EU is Mike Huckabee, who--just for example--goes from graphic bovine (B.S.) to something more equine by calling an obvious lie horse hooey. Remember all those mild-as-mush grades passed out by your teachers to one and all, back in the day? The Euphemism Utterance is like that: It sits there blandly in the middle, neither firing up your political base nor offending anyone, at least not offending them very much. Thus it has been graded (obviously): C.

4. The most beautiful technique out there is the style used by Bill Cosby in a number of his comedy routines, the TG (Total Gibberish) tool. One of his characters will come to a place in a story where he's cursing--you know he's cursing, but what Bill does is have him sputter a bit, followed by something like, "...a flimina-flamina--!!". That's the best of the best. Trump could have had his audience laughing and "getting it" if he'd used that style, for example telling OPEC, "You're not going to raise that flimina-flamina oil price any more!". Absolutely. Love it. Grade: A+.

Yeah, okay, I know. It was Cosby himself who recently told hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons, in public, "Get the rhymes-with-Chuck outa my face!" You can't have everything. But Cosby, so far as we know, is not planning to run for President and therefore won't lose a single vote.

Others will...unless they're Democrats, in which case it doesn't count.