How to Butcher a Bagel in Ten Easy Steps
By Ghost32
The Process
Butcher a bagel? Oh, you definitely need to know how to do that! At least, if you're a goyim doing the shopping for your disabled yet still feisty half-Jewish wife, you do. Because, see, you're not going to bring home the right stuff every time. What isn't to her taste she won't touch--she's also anorexic, naturally. That means you're either (a) rich enough to feed the discarded items to your friendly local pack of wild coyotes behind yonder mesquite tree or (b) about to become a human garbage disposal.
You choose (b)? Thought so.
Unfortunately, my opinion of bagels is that they're nothing but a huge Jewish joke on the rest of the world. Bagels are to bread what William Hung is to American Idol. What suckers (carp) are to rainbow trout. What--you get the idea. I'll get the nasty emails for publishing this rant, too, but that's okay. Maybe all y'all bagel lovers can take future unwanted bagels off my hands for free; I'll even pay the shipping.
Now, Pam loves bagels...just not blueberry bagels, thank you very much. It was up to me to ingest and consume, but... today I snapped. No good bagel goes unbutchered! Here's how it's done:
1. Grab a bagel with sterilized tongs and drop it gingerly onto a paper plate.
2. Explain what you're going to do to Kitten Precious. If she looks unimpressed, you know you've got a plan.
3. Get out the good stuff that makes the medicine--I mean the bagel--go down. In this case, that means jars of Smuckers grape jam and JIF creamy peanut butter. (If you're a baldheaded, toothless old goyim, crunchy is a really unwise option.)
4. Using a meat cleaver, steak knife, chainsaw, or double-bit woodcutter's axe, reduce the bagel to bite-sized bits. You may have to sharpen your chosen cutting tool a few times along the way.
5. Add blobs of peanut butter and jam to the plate using a strong metal spoon (to scrape the peanut butter from the bottom of the jar). Don't forget to include a plastic fork to serve as an actual eating utensil.
6. After surgically processing a second bagel to add to the pile (in order to get rid of the bagel supply more quickly) plus a few Pringles potato chips (to serve as palate cleansers between PB & J bagel bites), ask 4 month old Gato kitten his opinion of your delicious repast. Be sure to have him inspect it from all angles.
7. Stand back as he (Gato) attempts to cover the whole plate like a cougar would hide the uneaten remains of a deer carcass to consider another day.
8. Watch in amazement as Gato's hackles come up and he attempts to hide in the corner to escape the disgusting mess.
9. Cluck in sympathy as the poor, persecuted kitten flees to the top of the leopard gecko's cage and then looks for another way outa there.
10. Turn the lights down low so no one can see your shame, spear some PB & J to go with your bagel bites, and destroy the evidence.
There you have it: How to butcher a bagel in 10 easy steps. It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it.
Comments
Your version does sound most excellent. Not that any disrespect toward Laura Scudder's peanut butter was intended--I'd simply never heard of that brand until now.
Where do yu find it?
Now if you ask me there is nothing finer than tuna on a bagel!
Pam's top two choices for bagel topping are Philly cream cheese and smoked salmon.
Me? I'll take a Dollar Double cheeseburger from Mickey Dee's. Bagels are for spackle! (Of course, I can never run for President now. My politically incorrect viewpoint would make for a bigger flap that the Bush vs. Broccoli whoop-up. BAGELGATE!
A high school friend did once introduce me to a most remarkable sandwich: White bread, mayo, tuna...and STRAWBERRY JAM.
Aw you didn't butcher it, just made it into bite size snack food. I love bagels myself...as Pam with Cream Cheese, only I sometimes put jelly on top of the cream cheese, remembering cream cheese and jelly sandwiches when I was younger. Great source of calcium, cream cheese is. Interesting hub.....but do you know how to burn a DiGiorno pizza? I learned this was one of my many talents. ROFL...sad, but true, LOL
Personally, I like a beagle served with cream cheese, scrambled eggs and a hot slice of ham. My son, having seen your pictures, is now begging for a sandwich. I think he would eat any form of PBJ, any time of day or night.
English muffins are the food I find inexcusable.
All major markets carry Laura Scudders peanut butter. The only thing is it involves a little work the first time you open it to mix the natural oil in, but well worth it. =:)
Lady Ivorwen I am surpised you would eat Beagle--even with cream cheese. =:)
WMH: Um...when I butcher a COW, I make it into bite sized snack food. Eventually. Or hamurger. Or something. Right? :)
Ivorwen: Sadly (?) I actually LIKE English muffins under the right conditions--meaning, lightly toasted, absolutely soaked with butter and topped with fresh homemade chokecherry jam...you may have something with the beagle plus a hot slice of ham, though. I sense a new specialty restaurant chain a-comin', the PIG & PUP....LOL!
Winsome: Laura lost me right there. Mixing oil sounds like work. I'll eat junkier food rather than do actual work ANY day--I eat my pork & beans right from the can, cold, 'cause I refuse to take the time OR put out the effort to put 'em in a pan and heat 'em up...then wash the pan....Eew-w-w!!
Love it! Oh, and I love bagels. :) My fav is an Everything bagel with loads and loads of gooey cream cheese on it.
My X-husband, is Jewish and every Sunday he would go to the deli and bring home the whole lot of everything. I must admit as intimating as your bagel looks, I still like a good Jewish deli...alalallalal funny peace & love darski
Irohner, I know Pam loves cream cheese on hers (among other possible toppings)...but must admit I have no clue what an "Everything bagel" might be. ??
Darski, I've only been within eating distance of a Jewish deli a few times in this incarnation--but must admit, yeah, they do have some "good stuff".
The funniest thing, to me, was Gato kitten's reaction when he decided the whole plate really should be buried.
Now this might sound a little weird but, what I do is cut them in two. slap on some butter. fry them in the skillet, then hit em with pb&j. I like your style Ghost32, made my day. The English muffin thing sounds good too. Well anyway, I gotta go find the peanut butter....
I do not like to eat bagels. It is like chewing on a piece of rubber bread. I love English muffins though. Slightly crispy, slathered with melted butter and all the nooks and crannies full of butter and a little apricot jam or even chokcherry-apple jam. Yummy!!!
bri36: You bet, the skillet would add nicely to the process. My problem? Sheer, single-guy type laziness. (No, I'm not single--just food-lazy as if I were.)
Becky: I'm not a big bagel fan, either, but when the money is short, I mostly eat Pam's leftovers and whatever she won't touch. These particular bagels fell in the latter category.
Apricot jam: You bet! STRAIGHT choke cherry jam: To die for! But you can keep the apple part.
Love your hub. But I must say that blueberry bagels are my favorite and maybe the coyotes favorite too?
The coyote doesn't seem to be very picky. He'll pretty much eat anything that doesn't eat him.
Them coyotes are funny that way. They act like they don't get fed too well.
Yeah, it's a problem. Bunnies got legs.
Now I want a bagel. But blueberry? Ick.
LOL!
Winsome 15 months ago
Ah the joys of pb&j...even if it has to be on a bagel. Now if it had been crepe-like pancakes with real butter melting on them, maple syrup making a thin lake with islands of Laura Scudder's peanut butter (or Jif if you must) washing said hot pancake-pb-butter-syrup bite with cold milk. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. =:)