Brian Miller Vs. Jesse Kelly Vs. Jonathan Paton : A Pictorial Representation

ALERT!!  BRIAN MILLER SUSPENDS CAMPAIGN!!  DETAILS HERE!!

A friend not yet sure whether Brian Miller, Jesse Kelly, or Jonathan Paton will be getting her vote in the Republican primary (Arizona CD8) on August 24 asked me today, "Ghost, could you please come up with a simpler way we working people can understand the differences between these candidates?"

It was a reasonable request. Sharon is a single mother with four--countem 4--kids at home and a long-hours job on the other end of a 45-mile commute. She's fortunate in having excellent daycare for the youngsters, all of whom are under ten years of age, but there's no way she can find a few hours of "spare time" to pore through websites, hubs, blogs, campaign literature, or even newspaper articles.

So I thought, "Why not a pictorial representation?" Indeed, why not? If a picture is worth a thousand words...

All righty then. Hopefully she can read this little story to her children at bedtime and "study up" at the same time.

Deep in the bowels of Congress, there once lived a little liberal lady-monster by the name of Gabrielle Giffords. She fed greedily upon the votes of her constituents like a green-skinned, drooling troll living under a bridge feeds upon unwary travelers, living for the day when The One would come to power.

Then Lo! And even Behold! The day came! A mysterious monster who either had serious B.O or whose initials were B.O.--the historical records are unclear--overthrew the ruler of that mystical place known as the White House. Gabrielle gazed upon this mysterious being and knew that The One had indeed arrived. She groveled and simpered and voted most happily for that great Maker of Storms, the notorious Health Care Deformed.

Lightning flashed in the night. The people of Arizona saw, and feared greatly, and with good cause.

In the great desert expanses known as the state of Arizona, it was decided to hold a tournament to select a champion against the Giffords Monster and B.O. Aspirants came from miles around, those seeking glory in the Crown of Nomination to face the Monster, those merely seeking power at any cost, and those who truly Came to Serve. It was believed by those of Faith in the System that He of Pure Heart would be favored in the tournament by the Powers That Be.

The new Champion would then go forth, battle the Beast, and Sovereign Arizona would once again be saved from the Horrors of Gargantuan Government.

Yes, many came...but few are chosen.

First to face the Tournament Searchlight was one Jonathan Paton, a tested Soldier of the State who had labored long and hard in the Arizona Legislature. Republican stalwarts were overjoyed, certain this man would succeed in the Testing.

But they were shocked. The Searchlight saw through the Patonizer's glossy conservative armor to the center of his heart. What was shown there has been argued from that day to this. Some say the revealed nature turned out to be a squirrely little weasel with beady eyes, while some insist it was a weaselly little squirrel hoarding his nuts.

In any event, it was clear this candidate for the Crown of Nomination had been found lacking. He was tagged as Payday Paton from that time forward, looked down upon for his earlier stint as a lobbyist for the usurious Payday Loan company and shunned as a political leper.

The people had not found their answer to the Giffords Monster. They were sad.

Other tournament hopefuls came and went. Before many moons had passed, Andy Goss was a goner. Jay Quick signed up late for the contest, but few Arizonans took him seriously.

Then came King Kelly. His name was Jesse, but he considered himself already crowned King. Paraphrased, his demeanor proclaimed at top volume,

"I AM the KING! Send a warrior to Congress! All hail King Kelly! I am fierce! I am The Arizona One! My campaign signs are bigger! I am taller! The knuckles of my right hand show I like to hit stuff! Vote me! Vote me! Vote me! CROWN me already!"

For a time, it looked like King Kelly's assumption of success might in fact bring him the Crown of Nomination. Perhaps a mental bag of hammers was all that was needed to defeat the dread Giffords Monster.

But then his tournament armor faced the Corrosion Test...and failed. Wee foot soldiers either under his command or acting of their own accord--which was never settled with any certainty--were arrested by Burly Bailiffs and hauled off to the Dungeon of Doom. Questions were raised by Vigilant Voters about his sword-swinging days for the Chief of Stuff.

In the end, his inflated public image deflated mightily, accompanied by noises both loud and rude. His true nature as an empty suit was revealed.

The people were sad.

The people of Arizona were sad, but the people of Arizona do not give up easily. The tournament was not over yet. There was still one more candidate for the Crown of Nomination, one more would-be Knight of the Desert. His name was Brian Miller. He was a Major in the U.S. Air Force Reserve, an A10 Warthog piliot and senior flight instructor. A true, quiet warrior with an actual college degree in Political Science and a clear plan of action for every hot button issue dear to the hearts of Arizonans.

And he was Pure of Heart.

Had he lived in the days of Camelot, he would have as easily drawn the sword Excalibur from the stone as did King Arthur himself.

His plan for our border with Mexico included necessary features not even considered by the other, failed candidates. His plan for tax reform did not simply echo "Cut Taxes!" mindlessly and endlessly but made clear the need to change the method of collecting taxes, not just the need to adjust the amounts collected. His character resonated with other great heroes in the cast of Ronald Reagan and Sarah Palin.

Most importantly, he carried no baggage, no weak or diseased areas which might enable the Giffords Monster campaign to penetrate his shining armor. The light shone upon him, revealing in him the Champion the people had long sought. The storm was coming, sweeping down upon the desert from the mountains to the west, but they were ready. Brian Miller bowed his head in somber recognition of the responsibilty he would carry in the general election against the Goons of Gifford, and the bejeweled Crown itself was placed firmly on his brow.

Their seeking had not been in vain. The people rejoiced.

And thus it was, that Republican nominee Brian Miller carried the standard of commonsense conservatism in the Great War against Gabrielle Giffords and Gargantuan Government in the year 2010 A.D. The tales of that War abound among us to this day, stories that vary much in detail but lead one and all to the inevitable Triumph on November 2, 2010. Historians recount how that date was not the ending but the beginning of All Things Good, the beginning when the Miracle Happened and the Light of Liberty shone brightly through the storm clouds and the Republic was saved by The Freshmen Fifty.

They rode into combat with U.S. Representative Brian Miller at their head, their banner proclaiming Limited Government, and were victorious.

Brian Miller 2010.