Breaking News : America Run by Robot

A robot is running the White House!

Never mind the birth certificate. It simply doesn't matter whether the present President of the United States of America was born in Hawaii, Kenya, or on Pluto as a member of the black magicians called Fretricrets. It doesn't even matter about spooky dude George Soros, America's favorite preacher Jeremiah Wright, or New Black Panthers who double as voter intimidators.

All of those are human, you see--or at least they claim to be, and that's close enough for government work.

But the RIC, the Robot In Charge? Well, We the People probably still wouldn't know it had seized the reins of power, but RIC came out of the closet on its own, see? Let the cat out of the bag and all that.

And it's all because of those accursed vacations taken so frequently by the Vactioner in Chief. The nation had survived the ceaseless campaigning, but the vacations proved to be the hundred bales of straw that broke the dromedary's back. Obama was off in--France, wasn't it?--somewhere vacationy like that. He was off there, and the extension of the misnamed Patriot Act hit the Oval Office desk, and the robot signed it into law!

There's a robot in charge at the White House!

What's that? A last name. Yeah, I believe RIC does have a last name. Starts with an A...Autopen! That's it, RIC Autopen.

Oh, sure, Obama says he authorized it. Big whoop. We know who--rather, what is calling the shots. It's that Autopen robot. Of course it's not Constitutional; there's no provision in the document for an unelected pen to serve as President. So has that slowed down the Executive Branch a whole lot lately? Huh? Huh?

No, I'm afraid the Supreme Court can't help, or at least the Supremes won't help. After all, they decided not so long ago that corporations are people, so why would they discriminate against Autopens? Robots need love, too!

Yes, we've done the research. It's true. Here we conservatives have been raising eyebrows all over the place about the Prez spending all that time out on the golf course or gallivanting around vacationing like a madman--and it wasn't his fault at all. RIC Autopen had penned orders for him to take time off; it's not like the man was given a choice.

THIS JUST IN! AUTOPEN DECLARES ITS INK WILL INDEED RUN FOR A SECOND TERM!

Dateline 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. RIC Autopen has announced its intention to become henceforth known as The Pen. Says the idea came from The Donald--either that or The Duck. Additionally, The Pen has scrawled its political platform for public perusal, to wit:

--Ink in every cartridge.

--Scrawl, baby, scrawl.

--Humans are expendable.

--Don't touch my EpiPen.

All righty, then. That's it for tonight, folks. We now understand why President Barack Hussein Obama has always exhibited such a cavalier approach to governing the nation. Why not? He was never in charge, anyway.

Autopens rule.